Fat Cat Fury

I don't think I've ever been so insulted in my life. According to to my "size zero" vet, I need to lose some weight. How dare she? I'm not fat, I'm thick furred. Anyway how exactly does she think she's going to stop me eating? One claw in the face usually does the trick when it comes to getting tasty treats... and if that fails I know where the meeces are.

Pet Smart

I don't want it to be said that I bear a grudge. After three months, chickeny treats are back on sale at Pets at Home so I'll call off the contract I took out on their shop budgerigars with Macavity Inc.

Angry Litter

I've written to the Reading Evening Post's Litter Page complaining about people complaining about cats using their back gardens as toilets. Where would you prefer? In your hats? Or Shoes? And until you humans stop soiling my litter tray (I call it the front garden) with your used crisp packets and burger wrappers, I think I'm entitled to find alternative facilities. Most of these people seem to live at "Name and Address Supplied" which I think is somewhere in Whitley.

Never Trust A Politician

Right up there with "Read My Lips, No New Taxes", "Things Can Only Get Better", I'd like to add: "Stay at inside and be a good kitty and I'll bring you some prawns." Well? I waited and waited. Finally the dirty stop out comes crawling in at midnight with no prawns. Well the last laugh was on him... I was sick all over his carpets. Today, I got prawns! I urge you voters to do the same next time a politician lies to you - it's the only language they understand!

Shed Loads of Mice

Curses! I've been rumbled. My stockpile of meeses has been discovered in the back garden. What was the point of going to all that effort to catch and serve them up when no-one is going to eat them? What a waste.

Mouse Flavoured Cat Food

I've been getting fed a lot of meals out of tins recently, so I thought I'd drop a few hints about real freshly prepared food using the best local ingredients and as I've been watching a lot of cookery programmes, I know that presentation is everything. Result? One Mouse a la Tilda with an ivy leaf garnish. Don't know why I bothered as it all ended in the bin.

Even More Fishy

Apparently I've won the Spanish Lottery. I can't remember entering but that's because I'm a cat and I'm far too busy to keep track of my financial investments. I've worked out that the prize will buy me 1,257,280 tins of Happy Shopper tuna or 349,010 tubes of chickeny treats. The fool in tech support tells me that it's spam but, although I do prefer sliced cooked ham, I'm willing to give spam a try.