A Bit of Quiet Please

I'm not a happy kitty. There are too many people in this house, where am I meant to get a nice cat nap? At least they've set up a home entertainment centre for me. Strange though, they keep on calling it a "Christmas Tree"

The Rat in the Hat

My rat capture didn't seem to go down well. Still it freaked out some girlies out the front when they wanted to stroke the cute kitty... he he he!

Prawn to Lose

I guess they've gone and left me. Four days now without fresh food, just these mechanical contraptions which pop up at odd times. I've worked out some brilliant revenge though. Obviously feeling guilty, they left me with a big bucket of prawns. If I don't eat them, they're going to stink big time when they get back!

Fly-Fishing Techniques

I've picked up a new hobby... fly fishing. I've got a purrfect technique now. First pick a good spot... the window sill is good. Then wait patiently until a fly comes along. Pounce with your net, I usually use a net curtain. If you're lucky, it's a tasty treat for free! It seems to disgust my owners. Don't know why, they should try some one day

Name that Tuna

I've confused the hell out of them now. Leaving the tuna and eating the cat food!!! But just let them stop putting the tuna in my bowl and there'll be trouble!

Insider Mouse Rules

Hooray, the first confirmed kill of the year! I think I've learned the secret of avoiding a rescue... don't wake the owners up until it's dead!

Buzz Off!

It looks like I've hit the jackpot... I've found a bumblebee nest in the back garden, so whenever I get a bit bored waiting for those meeces to come out from behind the shed, I can have a little R&R chasing them around the garden.

Feeling Hot Hot Hot!

Can one of you humans turn that big hot light in the sky off? Some of us have fur you know.

Evil Bathists!

It's now official. My owners are now the most evil people in the world. Their war crime... giving me a bath. I want these people executed for their crimes against felinity. All I did was use the carpets as toilet paper. I've been giving them the silent treatment until they repent and get me a big bucket of mussels.

Dangermouse!

I think someone's been running secret radioactive experiments in the back garden. The meece I caught today was a bit on the large size, I had a bit of a problem getting it through the cat flap. The idiots seemed to think it was a rat. A rat! I tell you, I'd run a mile if I thought there were rats around here. I've seen the Secret of Nimh! 

Something Rotten

I think I've disgusted them into forgetting about feeding me normal cat food! The tuna had run out, so they put out a bowl of Whiskas pouches... so I ate the mouldy stuff they hadn't cleaned out instead. That'll teach them!

Nice Feather We're Having

Pickings are slim around here. Caught my first feather of the year... unfortunately there was no bird attached to it.

The Green Green Grass has Gone

Those vandals have only gone and destroyed the one last remaining unspoiled wilderness. No longer can I hide in the tall lush grasses of the savannah, waiting from my prey. Yep, they've cut the grass in the back garden. I'm going to give Greenpeace and Friends of the Earth a call.

Chartered Surveying

I've just finished my big project for 2002. I've mapped out all the hot water pipes running under the floorboards. Of course, those stupid owners of mine just think that I flop myself down anywhere. Ignorant savages!

Radio 5

I don't know why I bother. I spent all day composing an email to Radio 5 and they ignored the serious point I was making.
 
Here's my original email:
 
I listened with interest to your item about Frank the Cat and I wish him a speedy recovery. He's quite right, cars are for hiding under, not for driving around in like lunatics. Maybe if you humans did the same there would be less car accidents.
 
Meow meow meow Matilda xxx
 
And this is their reply:
 
Thanks for your email, but we couldn't understand it.
 
> dfd ddfs;ojkahjkl jk jk jkljkl;jkl jkl jkl jkl jkl jkljkl
> jkjk jkljkjkl jkl jkl jkl jkjkjk jkjk jt7csdsd sdf af
> gakl;asg,l/asdg/;gakopsdfnkl,dv;vdvdsvv
 
Of course they couldn't understand it, I'm a cat... they should have got it translated at tunafish.altavista.com!!!

Hamsterdam

A historic day - the first mouse of the year! I'm just limbering up after the long winter layoff, so I didn't bother killing it this time and left it there on the stair, right there. A little mouse with clogs on... well apart from the clogs. I'll catch it again later.

Hand-fed by Robots

Those dirty stop outs have been of on holiday again. Left me with a huge pile of food and lots of time delayed cat feeders. Who are they trying to kid? I know, I'll not eat any of it. That'll make them feel dead guilty when they get back. Haven't they realised that all the meowing to be fed is just to show them who's boss around here. I'm off to get some fresh food!!!

I'm Fur-ever Coughing Furballs

I coughed up a big fur ball under the bed last night, but it still didn't wake them up. I guess my powers are beginning to slip. Still, trying to bury it under the carpet did the trick - another sleepless night for the evil-doers!

I Am a Leaf on the Wind

My owners now seem to be confused because I've been bringing in leaves over the last few days. Well, I found out one of them was a vegetarian (yeeuuchh!) so I thought I'd swap the dead mice for dead plants. And what thanks did I get? You try and do something useful and it gets thrown back in your face. Pass the catnip.

A Bird in the Bush...

They've worked out how I always manage to be by the front door when they get back. The fools hadn't twigged that I sit on top of the gatepost keeping an eye out for their cars, then quick as a flash it's back through the cat flap and to the front door before they've spotted me. Only this time I was day dreaming of a Safeway tuna at 19p a tin and they caught me. Curses!

Have a Mice Day

Apologies to all my fans out there, I've been very busy recently... sleeping. Being a cat is really really tiring. It's been tipping down outside, so I've been annoying my owners by meowing by the front door, waiting for them to open it, then when they do, look disinterested and go back to my scratching post for a kip