My Tinseltime Poems

The Mice Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all round the house
Not a creature was stirring
'Cos I killed the mouse...

Santa Claws is Coming to Prowl

He's making a list.
And checking it twice.
He wants to find out.
Who's catching the mice.
Santa Claws is coming to prowl...

The Cat Days of Christmas

On the fifth day of Christmas.
My true love gave to me.
A pear tree.
Because I got to the partridge first.
And the turtle doves were tasty too.
I stuffed myself on the French hens.
And I couldn't manage another colly bird.
Zzzz...

Kittymas is Coming

Kittymas is coming.
And the goose is getting fat.
Please give a portion.
To the little puddy cat.

Kitty Wonderland

Collar bells ring,
Mice aren't listening.
In the lane.
Birds are whistling.
We'll give them a fright.
We're pouncing tonight.
Prowling in a Kitty wonderland.

If I think of any more I'll add them to this list.

Be More Cat

The world has clearly got rabies, I mean stark raving mad dog.

First the local newspaper keeps printing pictures of dogs calling them "cute". They are not. There is a reason why it is derogatory to tell someone they look like a dog.

Then o2 runs the most stupid advertising campaign in the world:

"The world is amazing. Dogs are right to be excited. There are so many things to explore, experience and play with. So why wait, be more dog."

A dog gets excited at the sight of a tree or a lamp post.

I'm going back to my cat nap before I get fur-ious.

Milk of Human Kindness

I like this Milk & More web site. Some idiot leaves his laptop logged in all day and I get to order scoff for myself and that nice milkman brings it to me. Yes, that's the real reason you'll catch me meowing at the front door first thing in the morning.

Now all I have to do is convince them to stock some duck flavoured Dreamies and I need never catch a mouse again.

Net Call

People often ask me how I prepare for Wimbledon finals. Here's an exclusive...

 

 

Hot Under The Collar

It's takes a lot to get me hot under the collar, well I would be if I hadn't managed to remove it 11 years ago and threatened the 'claw' if it should ever return.

But the BBC has got me angry enough to make another complaint. So here it is...

Horizon: The Secret Life of the Cat

Transmission date: 13/06/2013

Complaint title:

Privacy complaint

Complaint description:

I must object to this programme which in the light of the recent privacy revelations appears to be a cynical exercise in snooping purely to boost your ratings by showing cute kitty cats going about their lawful business.

 

It's difficult enough hiding mice, leaving "presents" and stealing neighbouring felines food by sneaking through their catflap undetected without you broadcasting it to the nation for all to see.

 

Meow,

 

Matilda The Cat Σ:X)

Food fight

I'm getting increasingly unhappy with the quality of food on offer.

Cat food. I ask you!

Prawns, tuna and mussels... or I'll claw you!

[Although duck flavoured Dreamies will get you off the hook!]