Shed Loads of Mice

Curses! I've been rumbled. My stockpile of meeses has been discovered in the back garden. What was the point of going to all that effort to catch and serve them up when no-one is going to eat them? What a waste.

Mouse Flavoured Cat Food

I've been getting fed a lot of meals out of tins recently, so I thought I'd drop a few hints about real freshly prepared food using the best local ingredients and as I've been watching a lot of cookery programmes, I know that presentation is everything. Result? One Mouse a la Tilda with an ivy leaf garnish. Don't know why I bothered as it all ended in the bin.

Even More Fishy

Apparently I've won the Spanish Lottery. I can't remember entering but that's because I'm a cat and I'm far too busy to keep track of my financial investments. I've worked out that the prize will buy me 1,257,280 tins of Happy Shopper tuna or 349,010 tubes of chickeny treats. The fool in tech support tells me that it's spam but, although I do prefer sliced cooked ham, I'm willing to give spam a try.

Treatment

I've found a new supplier and they sell chickeny treats in 220g bags which is 8 times the size of the old packets, but I'm not a happy kitty. The bag is now big enough to have instructions. Feeding Guide: Feed one or two pieces up to twice a day. Are they having a laugh? And Best Before: 01-06-2008? I'll tell you now, they'll be lucky to last the week.

Chalk and Cheese

Did you watch that TV programme about underground tunnels in Field (Mouse) Road? What do these engineers know? Tunnels in the back garden are called mouse holes, not 'chalk mines'. If they are making tunnels that size under your back garden, I think you're going to struggle getting them meeces indoors through your cat flaps. Good Luck!

AFBO for Pets at Home

That's the second month running that those peddlars of kitty substance abuse have failed to come up with the goods, so I want them served with an Anti-Feline Behaviour Order. Where are my chickeny treats? I'm going to have to go cold turkey... although maybe cold fishy would be a better option at the moment.

Snow Joke

What's all this cold white stuff? It doesn't look to me like you are tackling global warming seriously - it's freezing outside. Pull your paws out and turn the thermostat up.