Ask Matilda

Feel free to send Matilda any burning issues that you'd like her to answer. Email: Ask Matilda
Angie, Reading
As a fanatical knitter I have a serious problem with moths, how would you like some free?
I also have a more serious problem with cat rescue places who say they won’t let you have a cat if you live near a road... huh? Do many people live that far away, cats have rights and I want one, maybe two.
I had one but he didn’t come home four years ago so if Thomas Cox is living with you please send him home to Edgehill St. where his Mum awaits.
It sort of defeats the purpose getting moths for free. I have absolutely no idea what to do with them once I've caught them either!
Don't get me started on so called cat rescue places. Apparently where I live now is also too dangerous for cats. I don't think they actually have any cats, but if they told you that they wouldn't be able to collect money outside Pets At Home for the poor homeless kitties.
Anyway it is no coincidence that the wife of the Romanian dictator Nicolae Ceauşescu was born Elena Petrescue? I rest my case!
Manic
How do you catch meeces? I haven't brought any home for my owners yet. My favourite thing to catch is butterflies - I can't wait for them to reappear this year. They're sooo pretty!
Catching meeces is easy. What you do is eat some cheese, wait outside their mouse holes and breathe on them. It’s called waiting with baited breath.
I like catching butterflies too, but they're not a challenging as moths. I caught one the other day and all them indoors could go on about was something about it being a rare Red Admiral and how I was a bad kitty. To catch one this early in the year I think I was an exceptionally good kitty!
Sherri, USA
Hey I love your website... I just have a few questions for you. I have this cat and his name is Casper and he hates water... how can I give him a bath without having him fussing? I have tried putting a little bit of water in the tub and then gently splashing him to get him a little clean but he kinda hated it. Also what would be a good type of shampoo to use on him so it will not hurt him, if he was to lick himself. I have tried head and shoulders and i have to say that he didn't have dandruff for a while but I bet it didn't taste very good :(. Well thanks for your time and plz try to get back to me as soon as possible. Thanks so much!
You’ll just have to accept that cats are immiscible (Matilda’s big human word of the day) – we don’t mix with water. However, if you do intend going through with it, this is what you’ll need: Special cat shampoo, Big fluffy towels, Cotton wool, Savlon (large bottle), Sticking plasters, Bandages (depending on how long you intend the “bath” to last) Then follow this simple ritual: “Lock the bathroom door”, “pin down”, “turn on shower hose” followed by “tending to wounds”, “apply sticking plasters” and “getting the cat out from under the bed”. My owners bought some special cat shampoo from a pet store, but when will they realise that is all they have to do is pour a little of the spring water that you get in tinned tuna on the affected area and I’ll clean it up myself. If Casper is reading this over your shoulder… RUN CASPER RUN!!!
Smudge
Why was my owner so mad @ me all i did was bring home a wood pigeon & plucked it all over the place to save her time. It was a thank you present for taking me as stray kitten 3yrs ago. She was ever so cross now she's grounded me i'm stuck indoors watching the world go by and those lovely birds flying about. What shall i do. Please Help me Smudge Jones a very sorry cat
I had a similar problem with a blackbird’s head. As you’ll no doubt know it’s the best bit and do you know what those ingrates did? Picked it up and threw it away, I ask you! Your best option is to do something so nauseating in the house that they’ll have to let you out. I started by catching and eating flies when they had guests around, but I’m sure you can think of more appropriate disgusterous behaviour.
Ritz Kraker
Matilda...I'm BORED!!!  Other than hunting and chasing mice and birds, Scratching carpets, Waking up people at 0530, & Meowing incessantly what can I do to keep active?
Well, you could try my new hobby... hiding under parked cars. I tell you, when they start their engines up, the adrenaline really kicks in!
Keith, Hertfordshire
What is your position on dolphin friendly tuna?
Why not ask me about cat friendly mice? It's the same sort of stupid question! If the tuna are idiot  enough to be friendly with dolphins, they get what they deserve... which is to be caught, cooked, put in a tin and served up in my bowl.
Bill, CAT-erick, North Yorkshire
What do you think of the new Arsenal crest?
To be honest, us cats haven't liked it since they got rid of the three lions' heads.
Jon, Herts
What's your view on these new American style cat foods such as IAMS?  Are they actually nice or is it just a marketing machine?
Funny you should ask. I was bought some only a few weeks ago. I don't like it because it has a special formula to prevent the formation of hairballs. Are they trying to spoil all my fun? I've left it in the bowl.
Jon, Herts
Do stinging nettles effect your fur in the same way as humans, or are you immune to the sting?
I've learned something new here. I didn't know you humans had fur.
Keith, Hertfordshire
Garfield once said "show me a cat that's a good mouser, and I'll show you a cat with bad breath". Any comment?
He also said "close but no banana" but that doesn't make him Meow Tse Tung. You don't think any self-respecting cat actually eats mice do you? In much the same way that you humans don't appear to eat many foxes!
Keith, Hertfordshire
Software vendor Microsoft are often said to "eat their own dog food" - do you feel that software from Microsoft would be better if they switched to cat food?
Not if it's out of tins.
Michelle, Herts
Thank you for sharing your daily activities. It is a great insight to the hard life of a cat. I must say that your diary entries do not sound to dissimilar to the daily activities of my cat. He is a very handsome Ragdoll cat, just in case you are single and interested.
Would you be able to explain to me why do cats not like water ??
Good to see that I'm not waging a lone crusade. Although I am single, I'm not that interested anymore. Curiously, this seemed to coincide with the day I was taken to the vets for a "check up". And they wonder why I meow like crazy when they get the kitty carrier out? Never trust a human is my motto.
Cats do like water, but only if it's been left to stagnate in the bottom of a rain barrel for six weeks. That clean rubbish you get out of taps or put in swimming pools is not fit for a dog!
Keith, Hertfordshire
Can you please explain to me this thing about putting butter on cat's paws. What's it all about? And does it work with "I can't believe it's not butter"?
Yeah, another human "myth". If I put axle grease on your hands and the only way YOU had of cleaning it off with was your tongue, would I be correct in saying that you "enjoyed" it?
For the "I Can't Believe It's not Butter" question, substitute Castrol GTX for axle grease!
Keith, Hertfordshire
Did you grow up on the streets? Were you a street-cat? Is that where you learnt your street-fighting technique? Did you cut your teeth on the mean streets, where it was a cat-eat-catfood world where only the toughest survived?
Keith, you seem to have a lot of time on your hands, or alternatively in desperate need of guidance!
Of course I didn't grow up on the streets. Any cat knows that all you have to do is find a gullible "owner" (their words, not mine) who'll feed you tuna at the first pathetic meow and you're set up for life!
Carolynn, Canada
My husband is a truck driver and he's at home for 4 days ,we have the truck at home and our white cat has walked on the 5th wheel. Any idea on how to wash the grease off? And if we let him lick it off what will it do to the cat? Should we worry about any sickness if he does lick it off?
oh p.s. that cat hates water!
Think about it - some of my less discerning chums eat rats (and we all know where they've been) but it doesn't seem to cause lasting harm. However, keep plenty of moist wipes available and a close look out for a few unexpected "presents".
p.s. Duh! I guess we're talking about CLEAN water or water containing soap suds?
Andy, Beds
I've been with a few dogs in my time have you? If you have which breed do you prefer?
Not a lot of people know this, but before this cushy little number, I lived in a house with 2 other cats and 2 dogs. I don't really care which breed they are as they all seem fairly easy to beat up - that's why I had to move.
Paul Harding, No fixed Abode
I hope the horrible gothic Gooner sobers up enough to feed you now that the world cup is on.
No problems, I've got the football hating one to do that. Although I am impressed. She's learnt the offside rule. I thought it was only us cats that had the mental capacity to do that.