Birthday Present

Well, yesterday was my Birthday. I had a whole tub of prawns, some fresh mince, lots of kitty treats and a good brush. Nothing special. I think somebody forgot.

Dog and Bone

I couldn't help overhearing  a story about probably the dumbest owner in the world. She was apparently wandering around Pets at Home talking to someone on a mobile phone and getting very very angry. She was saying: "I'm very very annoyed. There are cat Advent calendars, but they don't have any Advent calendars for dogs. This is terrible." Well here's news for you lady, they don't have dog advent calendars because dogs can't count. They are stupid! What next? She'll get angry that they don't stock bicycles for fish?

Pining for the Fjords

Sitting at home scouring the internet, as most cats do when their owners are out, I noticed an item about a Norwegian Forest Cat which make help you make up your mind on my little web site survey. Whilst Sgt. Podge's (see here) laziness in demanding a lift home is praiseworthy, why doesn't he cut out the walking and just settle for the sleep by a warm radiator? It's what I do.

Dirty Protest

What on earth is going on in my back garden? The place is all covered with great big piles of steaming doo doo. Manure they keep calling it. Yet all I have to do is start to prepare a flower bed for use as a litter tray and I'm chased off. What hypocrisy! At least I do it free of charge.

Not Two In Tents

It was a nice long bank holiday weekend and I had some visitors named Kirsty and Carl. They were very clean and well behaved and bought me lovely tuna and treats. I think I'll let them stay again.

Urgent Treatment

Chickeny treats are back on sale at Pets at Home. What is going on there? Can't they recognise when an addict needs her fix on a regular basis. I'll have to start eating Dentabits if this carries on!

Pet Smarting

MEOW! Chickeny treats are off the menu again in Pets at Home. They're not welcome in my home.

Fat Cat Fury

I don't think I've ever been so insulted in my life. According to to my "size zero" vet, I need to lose some weight. How dare she? I'm not fat, I'm thick furred. Anyway how exactly does she think she's going to stop me eating? One claw in the face usually does the trick when it comes to getting tasty treats... and if that fails I know where the meeces are.

Pet Smart

I don't want it to be said that I bear a grudge. After three months, chickeny treats are back on sale at Pets at Home so I'll call off the contract I took out on their shop budgerigars with Macavity Inc.

Angry Litter

I've written to the Reading Evening Post's Litter Page complaining about people complaining about cats using their back gardens as toilets. Where would you prefer? In your hats? Or Shoes? And until you humans stop soiling my litter tray (I call it the front garden) with your used crisp packets and burger wrappers, I think I'm entitled to find alternative facilities. Most of these people seem to live at "Name and Address Supplied" which I think is somewhere in Whitley.

Never Trust A Politician

Right up there with "Read My Lips, No New Taxes", "Things Can Only Get Better", I'd like to add: "Stay at inside and be a good kitty and I'll bring you some prawns." Well? I waited and waited. Finally the dirty stop out comes crawling in at midnight with no prawns. Well the last laugh was on him... I was sick all over his carpets. Today, I got prawns! I urge you voters to do the same next time a politician lies to you - it's the only language they understand!

Shed Loads of Mice

Curses! I've been rumbled. My stockpile of meeses has been discovered in the back garden. What was the point of going to all that effort to catch and serve them up when no-one is going to eat them? What a waste.

Mouse Flavoured Cat Food

I've been getting fed a lot of meals out of tins recently, so I thought I'd drop a few hints about real freshly prepared food using the best local ingredients and as I've been watching a lot of cookery programmes, I know that presentation is everything. Result? One Mouse a la Tilda with an ivy leaf garnish. Don't know why I bothered as it all ended in the bin.

Even More Fishy

Apparently I've won the Spanish Lottery. I can't remember entering but that's because I'm a cat and I'm far too busy to keep track of my financial investments. I've worked out that the prize will buy me 1,257,280 tins of Happy Shopper tuna or 349,010 tubes of chickeny treats. The fool in tech support tells me that it's spam but, although I do prefer sliced cooked ham, I'm willing to give spam a try.

Treatment

I've found a new supplier and they sell chickeny treats in 220g bags which is 8 times the size of the old packets, but I'm not a happy kitty. The bag is now big enough to have instructions. Feeding Guide: Feed one or two pieces up to twice a day. Are they having a laugh? And Best Before: 01-06-2008? I'll tell you now, they'll be lucky to last the week.

Chalk and Cheese

Did you watch that TV programme about underground tunnels in Field (Mouse) Road? What do these engineers know? Tunnels in the back garden are called mouse holes, not 'chalk mines'. If they are making tunnels that size under your back garden, I think you're going to struggle getting them meeces indoors through your cat flaps. Good Luck!

AFBO for Pets at Home

That's the second month running that those peddlars of kitty substance abuse have failed to come up with the goods, so I want them served with an Anti-Feline Behaviour Order. Where are my chickeny treats? I'm going to have to go cold turkey... although maybe cold fishy would be a better option at the moment.

Snow Joke

What's all this cold white stuff? It doesn't look to me like you are tackling global warming seriously - it's freezing outside. Pull your paws out and turn the thermostat up.